heartache

The word heartache is oftenly ill-defined, used interchangeably and commonly misconceptualized as heartbreak, meanwhile, the latter is much more devastating. Heartache, however, happens much more commonly. It’s something we can experience in our day to day lives. The most mundane things may entail the aching of  heart, without an understanding as to why something so little could cause such a deep feeling.

Heartache, like heartbreak, is felt physically. It’s like a violent swarm of butterflies in our chest. It is a stomachache, a headache, a momentary discomfort that we want to go away the instant it starts settling in. But unlike a stomachache or a headache, there is no medicine to ease the pain of heartache. There is no knowing when the discomfort will subside and we can expect our hearts to feel tender again. 

Something about heartache and the way it feels is most comparable to anger. It boils. It makes you feel warm with emotions you have no control over. You feel angry for feeling so deeply. And I guess that’s what heartache is… your body’s internal frustration it has towards your heart for feeling so strongly about something, or someone, attacking the heart from the inside for daring to feel at such a great capacity.

It’s kind of a silly thing when you think about it, how parts of our being subconsciously punish others for daring to exercise at the peak of their abilities…. It often feels like everything inside of us is telling us to be angry and disappointed… for feeling. 

I think our world has an immense misunderstanding for feelings. There seems to be a severe neglect for acknowledging that feelings show that we care. Negative or positive emotional responses are key roles in identifying who we are and what matters most to us. Unfortunately, as our world falls deeper and deeper under the power of influence, we have become brainwashed into this pattern of thinking that not caring at all is the best way to live our lives - i.e. completely detaching our emotional beings from our physical beings. 

It’s an unnatural thing to do: not feel. Without experiencing the emotions our bodies naturally generate, we are denying one of the most essential parts of our beings. And as we revolve around this influential culture where everyone has an opinion on everyone and everything, there is this negative stigma around expressing feelings, and feeling them to the depth at which they were meant to be felt. 

There’s no shame in feeling. I think feelings, like heartache, are a reminder of our humanity. It’s a grounding experience to feel what attaches you to your being’s core. We are often humbled by our inner selves, punishing us from the inside out while the world around us continues to go about its day as it was before, oblivious to our inner turmoil. But this deeply rooted insecurity of longing for which our hearts are at war with, is a testament to our human’s values, the most pure versions of ourselves. Heartache, in a way, defines us, because who are we but what our hearts long for most deeply…

an afterword:

I hate being such a hopeless romantic. It comes at the cost of my own heart. My heart is too big and feels too much. It has too much to offer. It hurts when it’s drained with no return. And heartache is draining. It teaches us how much we can feel. And how much those feelings can hurt. But unfortunately, that’s what’s real, and that’s the reality we have to live with.

It’s okay.

I hate using that phrase because it’s so hollow, but it’s really all you can do. Accept that that is okay.